symphanee

I’d been back in Okland a few weeks. “I’m actualy really siked that you’re here”
I told her in chat. It was her birthday and her boyfriend was refusing to
take her out. “I’ll take you out!” I said feeling sorry for her. “I’m just gonna spend it how
I always do. Just take a bunch of sleeping pills and wait for it to be over.” She said
as it was coming up.

 We met up at the bart station. “Hey!” she said to me from behind me back. I’d been
waiting there for a minute. She looked good. and she looked happy to see me. Which
was nice. We took the bart to San Francisco. “I like your shoes.” I said before the
train got noisey. She looked down and had a story to tell about them. They were dark
leather with laces. Sort of ol fashioned looking. She was dressed super casual but
still looked good. Just wearing a black zip up sweater jacket and jeans.
"I always just look like a student." She’d come to say.

 We got to 16th and Mission and climbed the stairs. “Are you hungry?” I asked hopin she was.
I went to the ATM and took out my last $20. She saw how broke I was so I made a comment.
"I’d be pissed if someone told me they were going to take me out on my birthday and then
made me pay for everything.” She was a good sport about things.

 We went to the taqaruia and I bought her a burrito which we split. I saw the five and
diamond sign across the street and bragged about knowing the guy.

"We should go over there when we finish eating."

We finished our meal. She didn’t eat much. We stepped out on the curb and waited for the
light to turn green. While we were waiting I saw a person I hadn’t seen in almost a year.
I waved cautiously. She waved back just as caustiously. “Oh Hi.” She said not sure how to act.
"I’m just taking my ‘friend’ to the park." I said emphasizing the word friend. "well you want to
hug?” she said still acting nervous and agitated. “sure” I said shrugging my shoulders.
"Oh wow we’re really doing this?" she said as she gave me a nervous half hug.

 The light finally turned green and we started to cross. The chic and her date stepped up ahead
of me. The guy gave me a slighty uneasy look as well. Or maybe
trying to remember who I was. We both turned left “Oh you’re going this way too Awesome.” She said acting annoyed
by my presense. Thankfuly the store I wanted to take stephanee in was right there. “Later kids” I said
as I darted into the store.

 I went in without looking. I took two steps in before seeing that the place had had a major overhaul.
it was a faux leather store. A hobbie store for part time fags. Where there used to stand decades of out of print
culture bestowed upon us by the wisest men and women on Earth now stood a store for Out of towners wanting to know what
"gay" looked like. I almost threw up.

 I pulled stephanee out of there as fast as I could. Feeling embarrised for having brought her in there,
But more so disgusted that the mission had been taken over. It was all gone. A piece of living
history that stood for generations as a landmark of revolution. The west is the best. All that garbage.
I shuffled on towards the park with my hands in my pocket. “None of this was here a year ago.” I
tried explaining to her. “This bar wasn’t here. This used to be this place called paper rock scissors and was
like a diy t arts and crafts place to get zines. UGH. that bar wasn’t there. SHE wasn’t here.” I said about
a woman that was crossing paths with us. Stephanee seemed to appreciate my distaste which was at least
comforting. But still the mission was gone.

 We got a block from the park and made a pit stop in the best place in town to get California wine.
The place was kind of packed. We went straight to the back and took a glance. “We should get some help” I said.
I looked around the store with my eyes wide open hoping to catch the eye of an employee. I finally caught
one unpacking some boxes and he quickly came over to help. “I like really chewy wines. she probably
doesn’t like it as chewy as I do. Just something not to spicy or fruity.” Stephanee was standing in front of
me while I told him about my pallete. I cold tell by his reaction to whatever face she was giving him
that she wasn’t as picky. “Something robust and earthy.” He said being more clear on what I was going for.
He was friendly and helpful and we made a fine selection. I picked out some good cheese and made our place in
line. She paid for the wine and I paid for the cheese. She stood in close in front of me. Almost putting her
back right up against my chest. The woman behind the counter gave me a weird look.
Like ‘What are you doing with This chic?’. I looked back at her like ‘fuck you’ and
we gathered our items and left the store.

 We crossed the street and turned the corner. The park was packed.

"It’s only because it’s San Francisco that I can hang out in a park full of people
like this. Cause I know it’s all good people. Any other city and no way.” I confessed to her. We started climbing a up the
paved part in the center of the park. She started to look for a spot.
"No wait you got to see this." I said making her go the rest of the way up the steep hill.

See that? “Dedicated to Mexico” the statue said. She got a big kick out of that. I’d shown that to a million
girls and none of them ever appreciated it. Ever since Cassandra showed it to me when I first moved to town
it’d been my favorite marker. “I guess they just decided to leave it.” I said happy that she thought it was funny.
"it’ll probably be there’s again some day." I said as we went over the embankment and found a spot to plop
down. We were at the top of the hill looking down. It was a beautiful day. You could see the whole city in the
back ground. I felt I’d made a good call. She seemed content.

 I busted out two cups that I’d boughten at the dolalr store. “Now I know you like green.” I said as I pulled
out the cups “Oh I want the green one. “so I bought one green one and one pink one.” the cups were perfect for
hiding alcohol cuz you couldn’t see what you were drinking yet the glasses still somehow looked clear. I had to work
to get the cork out. “Oh!” stephannee said as the cork popped out. It was sexy as hell. I let it go.

 I poured us both a healthy portion. as we started to drink I busted out some candles I’d boughten. They were tiki
hut design which made no sense but they were candles none the less. The wind was blowing and we were at the top of the
hill so getting them lit was a challenge. But we finally did and she gave a sigh of relief like she was happy.
The cheese was delicious with the wine. I fed her a couple. She hesitated at first but then let me
keep spoiling her. It was her birthday. I felt someone ought to be doing it.


"I swear to god I’m getting high off this cheese." I said feeling the wine.
"I finally get what the big deal is with wine and cheese." She said.


A a heavy set black dude with long dread locks came by selling ‘edibles’. Marijuana ice cream treats, pot brownies,
you name it. He was . Stephanee struck up a conversation with him.

"It’s her birthday!"
"Yea it’s my Birthday!" she said obviously having a good time.
I felt good for her. though embarrised by her gregariousness.


 The guy eventually stood up and went on trying to sell his goodies to the people at the park. We had good conversation
sitting at the top of that hill. We talked about people on the internet. How phony they all were.

"It’s weird how like insanely over judgemental people are online." I said.
"yea and how they only show a corner of their face."
"Yet Completely judge Everyone on the way they look."
"Yea!" she said laughing.
"I went on stickam on april fools day. It’s just dead. The only people that are still on there are people that,.."
"Had nowhere else to go." She said finishing my sentence for me."


Things were going well. A little too well. When she came over to pick up my cat Jarvis was the first time we’d met face to face
for the first time she came over to pick up my cat Jarvis and take care of him for a while until I figured out where I was
going to live. I was imediately knocked out by how good looking she was. When she walked up to me my eyes went straight to her boobs.

"You look good." I said.
"You look,. homeless." She replied joking.
"Just trying to look the part." I said laughing it off.


 We packed up Jarvis and the litter box and everything and went to her place. Her boyfriend wouldn’t come out of his room which I thought
was weird. Not even to introduce himself. “He’s really shy” she explained to me later on. The place was immaculate. Not a speck of dust.
Nothing out of place. Pictures perfectly arranged. It was a ‘home’. I felt good about leaving Jarvis there. I picked him up and gave him
a big squeeze. “alright let’s go get food and stuff real quick” I said. We jumped in her boyfriends car and went and I bought a large supply of food and litter and some flea medecine. It was
every penny I had but I didn’t want to put the cost on her. We quickly went back to her place and I took Jarvis in the kitchen, gave him some
medecine, and then an Awful haircut so none of the fleas would be able to hide in his hair. I sat with him while she worked. She worked from home
as the manager of a suicide clinic. Which was the most ironic thing in the world being that I’d just lft Seattle where I was trying to start
a rock band suicide cult. I watched over Jarvis as the medecine did it’s magic. squashing any bug that tried to get away from the poison
Jarvis was sweating out. After about half an hour I knew he was clean and that I wouldn’t have to worry about Stephanee’s house having fleas.
I gave him a big tight hug. I noticed in the corner of my eye Stephanee sort of checking me out.

"Now we’re Real friends. not just pretend internet friends anymore." I said giving her shit.
"real friends." She said with a smile looking down at me and Jarvis. I gave him a hug and took the bus home.

 when I got home I told one of my room mates “GOD DAMN she looks good. ugh! But she’s got a boyfriend and
she’s really happy and I don’t want to fuck that up for her. So,..” but damn she looked good.


 And on her birthday there was was no exception.”you look nice.” I told her. she talked a little about her wardrobe.
"And these jeans just fit me perfectly." she said running her hands down her thighs."Yea they do." I let slip out.
I saw her look at me through the corner of my eye. She seemed so unsure of herself. Almost desperate. For what I wasn’t sure
but she was visiblely unhappy. One time we had been talking online and I’d congratulated her on her relationship.

"He talks to himself more than he talks to me." she said jokingly.
"He’s like the perfect guy for you!" I daid laughing knowing how difficult she was to get along with.
"I knoooooow." she said. But even over the chat somehow I could tell she was lying. So I figured her sadness was
coming from something she wasn’t getting at home. The more drunk we got the more we relaxed and let  enjoy each others company.
We were obviously attracted to each other and the night was young. We finished our second bottle of wine  which wasn’t nearly as good as
the first one “She Lied to me!” I yelled out about the lady at the grocery store saying it was a good cheap bottle. but by the
time we finished it we were drunk. She said she had to pee. I warned her that the bathrooms at delores park aren’t ‘safe’.
"I think the male bathroom might be a gloryhole. I’m not sure." "eww" she said.

We went to a bar and the barkeep informed us we had to buy something to use the bathroom. She ordered a Pacifico. We were
having a really good time. She started talking to some jocks that were sitting at the bar with us. I think she might have given
them a flirty look because they imedaietly got chatty with her. But When she turned back to me she smiled like she was happy to be with me.
"You keep looking at me like that I’m gonna kiss you." I warned her.
"Never." she whispered. Once the guys at the bar sw that they lost interest. She used the restroom and finished her beer. There was
a soccer game playing on the tv. She talked about
some soccer game She watched with her friends a while back.. I made fun of her for liking soccer.
"But our team won." She said pouting playfully.


 I offered to take her for some coffee.”I know the best spot in town.” We walked through the mission feeling good about
ourselves. When we got to the coffee house we had the place to ourselves. I bragged about knowing the guy that ran the joint.
"I was one of their first customers. I brought that roaster back from Germany cost him like 60,000 dollars. made back in the 50’s.
This is the only coffee joint I’ve ever been to where I can’t sit and drink the coffee all day. I get the jitters.”

I noticed the barkeep turning her ear towards our conversation so I changed the topic. We talked more about
our internet history. When we’d first met we’d really hit it off. If I’d lived in texas it would have been a sinch.
We were both sinical and way too smart and savvy to be spending time talking with these nerds in these lonely
chat rooms but for some reason we were both there. She left and came back drunk and talked to me on skype. She put on
some music. “Flipper Hahaha came on over her speakers and I flipped out. “You like Flipper?” I said in shock.
"uh huh." she said drunkenly headbanging. "AND WE WORK IN SUBURBIA! and I say AH hAHA HOHOHO" we screamed together
from across the country in our bedrooms at two in the morning. I was in love with this girl. Whoever she was. I
tried to get her to show me her boobs, being slightly drunk myself, but to no avail. “nuh uh.”
she said looking at me like she was thinking about doing it just for kicks.

"Take off your glasses Symphanee." I said calling her by her screen name.
"I have a name." She said sounding insulted.
"yea, I like calling you Symphanee. Now take off your glasses." I said bullying her a little.
"I’m Blind!" she contested.
"I don’t care I just want to see." I demanded.


 She took them off and for some reason got really vulnerable. Almost sad. But she looked beautiful.

 We talked for hours almost every day. I was busy messing with this one chic and I had fun giving Stephanee the play by play. She seemed to be
entertained by it. She used to drive me crazy though. We’d talk for hours. Eventually she’d get bored and drag me into these
chatrooms. We were always the smartest people in the room so we had great fun laughing at how naive and ignorant most of the people
we were monitoring really were. Every time this guy that went by the name ‘bear_bears’ would show up though she would just stop
talking to me. I asked her what was so great about him and she said he was funny. It used to make me so mad. Like we’d spend hours talking
but the second this guy came on the scene I suddenly wasn’t worth talking to anymore.

"I remember you used to get so mad." She said with a deviant smile.
"You mean you were doing it on Purpose?!" I yelled.
"uh huh." She said sounding happy about her little prank.
I was humiliated. She saw the look on my face. “awww.” she said sounding sorry and touching my arm a little.


 The more we talked online the more impressed I became. She had worked for a lobbying district.  Fighting for animals and wildlife.
"I was good too." she’d brag. It was refreshing because I’d met so many self proclaimed activists that were full of ideas but in reality
did nothing but complain. And here was a chic that not only knew how the system worked but had actually played a role in manifesting
some meaningful amount of justice. She’d also went to school and was working towards a masters in existential phenomenology. A very rare
form of psychology. It seemed to me like the most utmost worthless degree a person could strive for but the knowledge she’d obtained
was quite intersting. She’d explain the difference between narcicism and egotism. All the ins and outs and misunderstandings of
psychology. And then at the same time she’d get drunk as hell and dance all night with me. She was one hell of a woman.


 At some point though she stopped being around. I got word that she was spending a lot of time talking to this guy Joe. Who
I knew well enough to know that he was boring compared to me. But everytime I’d try to talk to her she was always busy. talking to me
as though she were on the phone with someone else the whole time, So I kind of let  things go for awhile. I was seeing three different
girls off and on here in my own life so I wasn’t too effected by it. but still, I liked having her around to talk to. I just thought to
myself, if she knew me in real life she’d never pick that loser over me.

 After a few months I eventually started giving her shit.”You’d probably have to Beg him to get on top.” I said about Joe’s
perpencity for laziness. She laughed at that a lot. But then got real quiet. The next day I got a message from Joe.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO STEPHANEE?"
"Nothing man." I said smiling, imediately knowing the deal.
"She just shut down and won’t talk to me." over the next few weeks Joe was absolutely crushed.
"The things she said to me man." I didn’t have much sympathy for him though because it was obvious to me that she could do better.
 
After that we started talking pretty regularly again. I eventually talked her into giving me her phone number which she was hesitant to do.
I’d call her every once in awhile. Just to make chat. But she always acted weirded out by me calling. Like she preferred to only talk
to me on the internet. So I stopped calling.

 During one of our conversations I made mention to another chat room I used to linger around in.

"indie chat" I typed almost shamefully.
"WHAT?" she said.


 I started to explain but then she quickly interupted me and told me she used to hang out there too. Which was amazing because
Indie chat was a very small internet cult made up of maybe a total of 50 people in the entire world. It was around in the early
2000’s and mostly made up of the most self loathing, depraved, uncivilized individuals on the face of the Earth. All day long
they’d sit at home bickering over what was the most important record of the day. I imediately fell in love with the place. This
fellow from Texas impressed me the most. He was slightly older and knew more about music than just about anyone I’d ever met. I’d
spend hours talking with him about music. Shows we’d seen, who with, what happened, when where how and why. What it sounded like live when
'they' were at their peek. the history of Everything. the future as it appeared to be. Music was very important to us. It was
everything. It was in fact how I’d stumbled across the chat room in the first place. I’d made a website for my band DEAD  
MEAT. The design was simple but very effective. On the front page was an animated flash picture of a giant pocket pussy sitting in a bed
of flames with the moon behind it and a flashing neon sign that said ‘Open 24 Hours”

 It was a hit. Even bands as big as The Dwarves were emailing me telling me how much they loved it.
From that I got some side work from local bands to build their websites for them. Everything was still html back
then and shit was way easier than it is today. Or more difficult depending on your point of view. Today everything
is done for you. So it’s harder to be creative. But for a short while people were coming to me and for $40 I’d make
them a crappy little website that they could call their own. And while sitting on the computer for hours on end
typing in code for quick cash I ended up getting sucked in and ended sticking around for awhile.

"YOU KNOW GINA PINA!?" she said acting like we’d gone to the same high school.
"Yes I knew Gina Pina." I said sipping at my coffee. "She ended up marrying that James fellow didn’t she?"
"YOU KNOW JAMES?" she said even more excitedly.
"yes I know James." I said ammused by her joverjoyous reactions."He said his dad was a semi-professional
rugbee player. and one time he was playing and he got his Eye-ball knocked out. They just popped it back in
and went on with the game.”
"I don’t remember him telling me that." She said looking away and sounding disappointed.

 Whether or not the story was true it was a good story.

"I think he had a thing for me." she said braggingly.
"it pisses me off you don’t remember me. I remember you." I said though it was understandable her not remembering me.
I only chatted with that guy from texas and a few others and the rest of the time just kept it in the back ground as
a way to keep from getting bored while working on websites. But still there was one night where I changed my name to
ItsJes and she changed hers to itsSteph and we spammed the room with happy faces not allowing anyone to talk. it was stupid.
But for some reason I remembered it.

 Even after finishing our coffee we were still drunk. And the more we talked the more we enjoyed being together.
Evrntually I just through my arm over her and we went waltzing down the avenue a couple of misfits with nothing on our
minds but whatever we wanted there to be. I was feeling good about myself. Things were shaping up. We got about a block
down the street and some people cut us off. When I stopped I looked more closely. It was Jessi. Of course.

"Hi Jessi." I said like a deer in headlights.
"Hi." She looked away blushing a little.
"I’m justing taking my ‘Friend’ Out for her birthday." I said tugging Stephanee’s head into my shoulder.
"ok,.. are we walking?" Jessi said in a rush.

I lost my cool, as I always do when I’m around her. I asked a million questions. each one dumber than the last.
I slowed down a little bit and Stephanee shoved me right back into it laughing all the way at my shattered attempt at trying to
make head way with this other girl. She gave back short meaningless answers and  a somewhat stearn look before  
politely looking at Stephanee and then going down the stairs.

"Ugh…do you see what that girl does to me?" I said suddenly feeling pathetic.
Stephanee wasn’t very ammused. She grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the sidewalk. I through my arm back over her shoulder  
this time feeling defeated. Stephanee was having none of it. We passed a street bum that was strumming on a guitar. It was out
of tune and the guy looked like a neanderthall but Stephanee requested he play a song for us. He started beating on it without
really knowing how to play it much and sang in a very raspy voice “You aint never caught a Rabbit, and You aint no friend
of mine.” Stephanee kicked and sang along with him like it was her favorite song. I began lighten up a little.

 I took her to Clarion Alley. All the murials were new. There was one of the mona lisa. I walked over and started touching it.
trying to mimick the strokes in a jealous attempt to learn their artistry. “Don’t do that!” She scolded me from behind/
But I liked touching it. They don’t let you touch the art at the galleries. She walked up and grabbed my hand. She turned and
fell against the murial still holding my hand almost pulling me towards her. I didn’t hesitate. I trapped her with my elbows
and attacked her with my lips. She didn’t fight it. And when she did I fought harder to keep kissing her. She was a sloppy
kisser. But she was full of passion.

 ”You’re desperate.”she said. I leaned back feeling insulted. “No I’m not.” “For HER.” She said grimacing. I sensed a hint of
jealousy. “Yea but then we hook up and it fizzles out after a few weeks.” She pulled me back down on her shutting me up. maybe
I was maybe I wasn’t but the best of what the world had to offer me in that moment was right in front of me. “I’ve always liked you.”
I said when I took a breath. “I never thought you’d let me kiss you.” I confessed. “Why?” She said in the sweetest tone.
"Cause I don’t have any money." I said shamefully looking away. "Oh Pffft. I got plenty of money." She said waving hand. So I shrugged my
shoulders and went back to kissing her. “There’s people coming.” she said feeling embarissed. “I don’t care.” I said keeping her
pinned against the wall kissing her with everything I had to give. “That’s beautiful” one of the people commented as they passed by. I couldn’t
tell if they were talking about us or the art work behind us. Nor did I care.

 She eventually made me stop. As we left Clarion alley she yelled out “Do you know how many guys I’ve KISSED?” She said. She really knew how to
make a guy feel special. But it did mean that cared nothing for the guy she was living with and that she was basically single.
 We passed by our friend with the guitar on our way back to the bart. Some women were scolding him for saying something rude to someone.
I over heard them say his name. “Were you rude to these people Omar?” I said making light of the situation.Most of what he said was unintelligible. Sounding and looking like a muppet on skidrow. He walked with us for a little ways.
"Play us another son Omar! It’s her Birthday." I said feeling excited.
"Yea it’s my BIRTHDAY!" she yelled.
"You kind of sound seem like a Muppet Omar. no offense." I said smiling at him.
He stopped and looked at me with wide open eyes and started to play “it’s not easy being green”. by kermit the frog.
Stephanee absoluteky loved it as I knew she would being that her favorite color was green. This homeless bum living like an animal had made our
night more special than anyone else would have known how to.
"You’re our best friend Omar." I said jokingly.
"Yes I’m you’re best friend too,.. for the next.. fifteen seconds." He said just before stopping in his tracks. we said good bye and made our way to
the bart station.

 We got down stairs and waited for the train. I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “You know what they cal this place? the tunnel of love.”
She gasped a little and I kissed her from behind. The place was packed but we didn’t care. There was an uptight businessman standing in front
of us obviously disturbed. It just made me want to iss her more. Show him what real love looks like. When the train came we found our seats.
 We sat holding hands and kissing softly.
"I love how affectionate you are." I said kissing her cheek while I felt her thumb stroking my hand.
"I am pretty affectionate." she said looking down. I could tell she had things on her mind.
"come home with me tonight." I whispered in her ear.
"YOLO woman… You only live once." I said tugging at her.
"Yea I know." She said still looking down.

 My stop was coming up and she wasn’t convinced yet on what to do. I liked her well enough I felt like it was worth the wait. The doors opened
up. “Isn’t this your stop?” she said as the doors hung open. “I’ll see you soon.” I said kissing her before jumping up and darting through
the door just before they started closing.

She texted me over the phone when she got home.
"I should have gone home with you." it read,
"well,..yea" I replied.
"SIGH" she texted back.

she asked me when we could go out again.

"Anytime you wish" I responded before falling finally crashing out. It felt wonderful.


The week went by fast. I was eager to see her again. Surprised by all of what was happening. Saturday came and I turned on the computer.
I got a texxt from her but it wasn’t what I expected.

"Do you know any free hospitals in the area?" it read.

I imediately pannicked. I picked up the phone and called her up. She answered sounding annoyed.

"Hello?" she said.
"Are you ok? What’s wrong?" I asked ready to do anything.
"No,.. I just don’t think I’m going to be able to come out this weekend.

 She asked about next weekend. “Anytime you wish.” I texted back. and then quickly crashed out.

 I messaged her the next morning.

"ms u" I said just to be sweet.
"already?" she responded.

 I wasn’t really. But thought it’d be sweet to say. Instead it backfired on me and made me seem clingy.
I told her a friend of mine was dj-ing at a local bar that night and I asked her to come.
She jumped at the chance. “It’s a goth party so everybone’s gonna to be dressed in black.” I informed her.
"I’m wearing all White then. haha" she texted back. I loved her rebelliousness. She was too punk for punk.
I got dressed and waited for her to pick me up.

"I’m such a sleazball." I said to my room mate snickering a little as I headed out. "Yea you are." he said to my back
as I shut the door. She was picking me up in her boyfriends car. It was sccandalous. I played aloof once I got in the car.
Not laying a hand on her as we drove to the pub. I was dead broke so I was orced to ask her to buy me a drink.
"You’re a pain in the ass." She said with a grin as she paid for our drinks. They didn’t have any wine so I settled
on a scotch so I wouldn’t have to keep bumming drinks off of her. The music was just our style. We used to have dance
parties online. Abunch of us sitting at home dancing on camera. And now we finaly had the chance to do it in person.
We dance and we drank. The more we drank and the more we danced the more flirtatious she became. We sat down and she
 smiled sweetly at me so I would attacked her with kisses. Pressing her against the wall. kissing her while clasping the
small of her back.

 She pushed me off to come up for air. We sat there with stupid grins on our faces. Happy to have found each other.
Happy to be where we were. happy the music was good. THe night went on and the bar eventually emptied. My buddy chris
came over and thanked us for keeping the party going. The druker we got the more we danced. Boys don’t cry came on and
I twirled her all around the bar. She was a horrible dancer. Dancing like a small child at a wedding, too excited
to hear to the rythem. It was adorable.

 I grabbed her by the hand and took her to the upstairs where we could do some heavy making out. But when we got up there
the place was packed. So we quickly turned around and made our way back down stairs. Chris ran into us on our way back down
"Oh you guys are coming back down?" he asked as though he were coming up to find us.
"oh you guys are coming back down? We were just coming up to find you." he said.
"yea, it’s too crowded up there." I explained.

We went back to where we were originally. Chris joined us for a moment.


"Yea it’s like two in morning on a monday night and you guys are still over here going strong!" he said raising his drink.
"Well yea, you play great tunes." I said.
"Can I say something?" Stephanee injected.
"Sure." Chris said.
"Black lipstick is so out." She said.
"What? it’s goth night." I said.
"Really? You should quit wearing the black lipstick." She went on. The drunker she got the twangier and loud her voice became.
"Quit telling my friends what to do." I said covering her mouth.

 Chris gave me a look. I shrugged my shoulders at him. Eventually it was closing time and they made us go home. While Steph was
unlocking the car door a homeless man came up asking for some change. “No! Sorry!” she said in a very cold fashion.
I hated the way she spoke to homeless people. Like she didn’t view them as deserving of any common kindness. The guy
looked at me with a sorrowful look on his face.

"you aint got just a little change?"
"Sorry man." I said looking him in the eyes, apologizing for her behavior more than for not having any change.

 We headed back to my place. I invited her in and to my amazement she agreed. As soon as I got her in my room
We plopped on the bed and started making out. She patted me on the chest “Let’s watch a movie.” she said enthusiastically.
I put one on and curled up behind her. I held her tight in my arms while the movie played. Her hair smelled so good.  
 softly resting on my face.  I groaned in her ear.

"you ok?" She asked.
"I’m fucking Horny." I said squeezing her and grnding my crotch into her behind.
"you’ll be ok." she said patting me on the arm. She started getting sleepy. I held her down and kissed on her for as long as I could.
Untill finally accepting that she had someplace else to be and letting her up. I walked her to her car and gave her a nice
warm kiss before sending her on her way.

 We talked every day over the internet. Things were sorted but We were having a good time. I enjoyed making her laugh.
The weekend came quickly. I met her at the bart station. I was looking out the window while I waited when I heard her voice.

"Hey!"

 I turned around. She had such a smile on her face. She was so happy. ANd it was all thanks to me. I felt prouder than ever.
It still felt surprising. I had no idea what she saw in me but I wasn’t about to fight it. We went back to my place so she could drop
off her things and I could grab some cash. She waited in the living room on the couch while I made sure I looked decent. to the neerest
convenient store and found what looked like the best wine judgeing by the back of the label. We settled on Elena de Mendoza.
The selling points being “Dark, intense flavors”. The guy behind the counter was having trouble ringing it up so he tried to use
his phone to look up the price. We stood there waiting when suddenly he grabbed his phone and Smashed it on the ground as hard as
he could.

'I hate this fucking thing. I want to break it!” he explained after picking it back up.
"c’mon  man. Seven dollars seems fair." I offered.
"I can’t because if it’s more than that I’ll get in trouble." he said.
"It Can’t be more than eight dollars." I argued.

 He tried to get us to buy a different bottle but we insisted on that one. He finally caved in and sold it to us for
the amount offered. “If it’s less than that then we want a discount on the next one.” Stephanee demanded. I loved how outspoken she was.
She had zeil.
 
 We went back to my place and we picked out a movie to watch. She was more than a movie expert. When we were still just internet
friends she’d told me in her youth that she used to go to the art houses and watch films by herself almost daily.

"I always thought that was so cool." I told her back on her birthday when we were still up on the hill. She didn’t see it as anything
to brag about. To me it made her seem more like me. A total loner, like an alien. Who’s only attatchment to life on Earth was through
culture.

 The guy agreed to the deal and sold us the bottle of wine. We got home We headed back to my place. We couldn’t get the wine open fast enough.
We gilped it down between kisses. As usual she asked to put on a movie. She had me watch one of her favorite movies “La Strada” by Frederico Fellini.  
She loved every scene of this movie. And she was having a ball explaining to me everything she liked about it. I had always heard about Fellini’s
films and his influence on others but had never ventured so far as to actually watch one. It was wonderful having her as a narrarator too.
giving me every inside detail into every shot. the back stories to the actors. the meaning behind the lighting. The sheer brilliance of it all.
"You’re kind of like Fellini" she said looking at me with a drunken loving smile. I didn’t know what to say. Here she had been going on for
the past hour about how it’s always been her life time fantasy to be one of Fellini’s mistresses and here she was saying I reminded her of him.
It was obviously the greatest compliment she could bestow upon someone. I felt absolutely moved. I tore into her clothes. “No.” she whimpered
without putting up much of a fight. I unbuttoned her pants. She had perfectly trimmed bush.Just the way I like it. I stuffed my face down her
pants before even getting them unzipped. I grabbed the zipper with my teeth and pulled it down. “No.” she said grabbing me and pulling me up.
I held her down and kissed her, putting my hands up her shirt.

"Wait! I got a movie we can watch." I said raising up and jumping on the computer.

 I pulled up “Cheeky” by tinto brass.

"Here watch this." I said sliding behind her. Before the opening credits finished I was back to kissing on her neck. She loved being kissed there
so I did it as often as possible. She’d moan. and I’d growl. She started Kicking wildly. I held her legs down and slowly slid my hand down the
front of her jeans. She let out a gasp. She was soaking wet. She kept fighting with her legs as I fought my way between them. “You’re gonna manhandle me?”
she said looking up at me as I held both her hands down behind her head. It was disapointing. I wanted her innocence. She just wanted a good time.

 I grabbed her jeans by the butt and ripped them up off of her. Her panties were candy striped. I dug my face into her moist center and kissed her
vagina through her panties just as passionately as I’d been kissing her lips. Clinching her clit in my lips through her panties. I pulled them aside and dug my tongue inside
of her. She let out such a moan I knew she was no place else but right where I wanted her to be. When I raised up to pull my pants down she got cold
feet suddenly. So I quickly dove back down and started giving her head again. “No. No.” she said holding me back. “please don’t make me stop.” I begged her
with my mouth watering staring at her dripping wet lips. “You just watch that” She finally insisted on being content with just playing with herself and
making me watch. “You watching?”she asked as she grinded on her clit with her fingers. “cum baby.” I said digging my mouth in every time I had an opening.
She smacked her pussy a few times and giggled a little. “Are you watching?” she said again with her eyes closed, I was watching her face. She was in exstacy. She looked down and saw me looking up
and gave me a curious look. The bags under my eyes having gotten heavier I figured that’s what she was looking at. I raised up and gave her a look.

"Don’t look at me like that." I said before going back down on her.
"cum baby." I said again in a sweet tone. Kissing around her vagina softly while she played with herself.
"I Want to. More than anything." She said. She started to give up but I wouldn’t let her. I dug my face back into her and spread her legs wide open and
went crazy on her with my tongue held out sharply. She finally gave in and just let herself enjoy it. She made me stop again and went back to
playing with herself. “c’mon baby. cum for me.” I said again raising up a little to watch her play. “I got a nice big cock too. You’re gonna love it.”
She opened her mouth and let out a moan like that’s just what she wanted to hear. It didn’t take long after that. She came and came hard. It squirted
all over my chin and my bed. She took in deep breaths of satisfying relief. I went to the bathroom and washed off my face before quickly jumping back in bed
with her and pulling her into my side.

"So can I cum too?" I asked.
"Of course." she sexily whispered in my ear.

 I started to take my pants down when she suddenly freaked out.

"What time is it?" She said looking around for her phone.
"I don’t know. 12:30" I said lying to her.
"Is it really?" She asked looking at me like I’d better not be.
"No. it’s late. You better go." I said being a gentleman.

She scrambled to get her clothes on and we raced all the way to the bart station where she barely made it to the last train. “text me.” I said as she went
through the gates. I stood there waiting for her to turn around and wave by as she went up the escalator. But she never did.

 I jerked off and fell asleep before her text messages came. When I got up in the morning it read “I made it home. You hate me don’t you. You should.”

She started questioning the affair. she said she felt awful. That I just needed to find a girl that’s single.
That she can’t drink around me. But then the second I invited her over she said yes. “No Touching” she demanded.
"That’s fine. I just like hanging out with you." I responded.

 It didn’t take long for her to get to my place.  When we headed out one of my room mates made a smart remark

"is that that creepy chic?"
"Naw you’re the creepy one johhny. you’re confused." I said proud to have her as my date.

 We went to the cafe first but when we got there it was closed. One of the waitresses was walking to her car and
noticed me and Steph walking together. She gave a kind smile with a tinge of confusion in her eyes. Always anywhere we went together
people would look at us like something was weird about us being together. Like it didn’t make sense. I just smiled back like
'fuck you this chic is awesome'. We went down another block and picked up another bottle of our favorite brand. We got it half price
when we informed him that online the bottle regurlarly sells for seven dollars, not eight. “You’re our favorite clerk now.” Stephanee
yelled to him in her high pitched voice through the bullet proof glass. The guy seemed less than thrilled.

 We got back to my place. She’d broughten a book along with her that was all about sexuality. I started making us some food. She started doing
yoga stretches in my room. It seemed pretty obvious things were going to go well. I cooked chicken burritos and chopped up some tomatoes and peppers
and onion and made pico de gallo. She was laying on my bed looking at me seeming very content. Almost impressed. I was proud to be showing her a good
time.”Nobody has ever cooked for me before.”she said. I was shocked. Here was this awesome chic with great taste and here she was telling me no dude
had ever taken the oppurtunity to prepare a meal for her. I did my best to make the meal as tasty as I could. “mmmmm” she let out when she bit
into it. She seemed to like it.I liked it fine as I’d cooked myself that meal a hundred times before. “was that ok?” I asked. “mmhmmm” she replied.

 I opened up the wine, put on some music and made her dance with me. I’d made a joke about her dancing like
a little kid one day while we were talking online. I could tell she’d thought about it because this time when we danced she was slow
and with the rythem. It was so sweet. She was so insecure. Nothing like what I thought she was. I was becoming smitten. We moved over
to the bed. The sun was still up but we were already pretty drunk. I was on top of her giving her everything I had.

"I’m a horrible kisser." she confided in me.
"no you’re not you have really great soft lips." I said kissing her again. it was true when we were kissing in the alley the first night
we fooled around her mouth was gaping open and her tongue was flapping around uncontrolably. But now just like her dancing her kisses were
soft and meaningful. I felt sorry for her. It was becoming obvious to me that she’d never been in a real romance before.

"You are the most non romantic person in the world." I’d complain at times.
"Maybe I’ve just never experienced it." she confided in me.

It felt wonderful. I was going to give this girl 35 years of experience of romance. “Why should I” she said in a drunken bratty tone
as I tried to get her pants off. “I’ll treat you like a queen. Every weekend.” I said kissing and fondling her. She moaned as I
kissed her neck. “You promise.” She said with her eyes half open. “I swear it.” I said looking into her eyes so she knew it was true.

"How many girls have you been with?" she asked with a stern look.
"More than twenty. less than fifty." I said.

 I saw her look away. “Yea, so Not That Many.” I said looking down at her. I could tell she’d been with more people. That was with a six
year long monogomous relationship though. So I felt my numbers weren’t anything to be ashamed of nor brag about.We went back and forth until
finally “let’s just get it over with woman.” seemed to finally do the trick. I got her pants off in one tug. I pulled my belt off. “I’m in
trouble now aint I.” She said playfully. I swatted her with my belt on her tuckus a few times real softly.”Don’t hurt me.” she said sounding
a little afraid. “don’t worry I just like to pretend to be tough.” I tossed down the belt. “I made you Dinner yo.” I said kidding about her
oweing me something. “Cooked me dinner?” She said looking up at me while I sat on her lap on the bed. “ah, that’s California.” I said making
a joke about how casual sex was around Oakland. “I cooked you dinner and Everything.” I said again making it more obvious. “oh.” she said looking
away. She was sad and unnsure. I was happy and confident. We started kissing again. I went down on her. She was wet as always. I raised up and put
my crotch in her face. She looked up at me and licked her lips. I rose up and took my pants off and came back down on top of her. I put my cock
in her face. She opened her mouth wide and I shoved it in deep. She scraped her teeth and gagged on it but it still felt wonderful because it
was her mouth. Eventualy she started to get the hang of it and worked me real good.

 I lowered down and took her panties off. I put a condom on. “I always get a little turned off.” I said embarrisingly. She took it back in her
mouth wrapped in plastic and got me solid as a rock again. I slid down between her legs and grabbed my cock and rubbed it around her sweet spot.
"Maje it easy for me." I said guiding her to lift her pelvis a little. I slid the head of my cock inside of her. She was tight. I flexed my cock
and went in slowly. Until I was in half way. “Shhh. Shhh don’t move.” I positioned my self well and slid in the rest of the way. I rested my elbows
around her head and started to move inside her. She was warm and tight. I pulled her arms and legs around me. We fit perfectly together. Like
two puzzle pieces. My bed had a huge lump in the middle of it so the more we fucked the more she ended up at the head of the bed. “OH FUCK!” She said
throwing her arms up above her into my mirror knocking it off of it’s hinges as she felt herself falling off the bed. I grabbed her and pulled her
tight underneath me and rabbit fucked her till she was screaming. I felt the condom break so I pulled out. I tossed it on the floor and jerked off
on her tits. “Why my tits?” she asked. “I fucking love your tits.” I wanted her to squeeze her tits together and beg me to cum. But she kept rubbing
her chest down on my and I kept having to pull her up so I could keep my cock stretched out. She seemed inexperienced. Which was kind of a turn on.
Like the sex we would be having soon would be momentous because she’d never had someone truly fuck the living hell out of her in a loving way before.
She kept doing it until I finally quit trying to explain what I wanted and just grabbed the back of her hair and stuffed the head of my cock in
her mouth. “Kiss on it.” I said jerking myself off violently in her face. “Beg me to cum.” I demanded as I kept her head down on me. She was sucking
and licking on me good. “Oh fuck that feels so good. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.” I begged her. As I was just about to cum She raised up a little and said
"Don’t cum on my face."

 I stopped for a second and looked down at her. She said it so casually that it was like she’d said those words to a thousand dudes. She didn’t notice my
reaction as she was still licking and sucking on my cock. I jerked off with a new realization. She wasn’t inexperienced, she was just lousy. “Oh fuck!”
I said as I felt it start to build up. She did her best to dodge it as it came splattering out. It was a huge mess. I could barely breathe I came
so hard. I layed there not knowing or caring about anything for a moment. She collapsed on top of me. And we just layed there squeezing each other. I squeezed
her so tight and just never let go. There were a million things wrong with the situation. But right there and then we were in love.


 ”I’m a cheater.” She said sounding like she’d entered some new club.
"No you’re not. You just had sex with your New boyfriend." I said sitting down on the bed next to her. I started running my hands down her thighs. She had
the most amazing curves.
"You know, you’re just like my mother. that’s why I like you so much." I tried explaining.
"I wish you wouldn’t say that while rubbing my thighs." She said giving me an goofy look.
"Hey I’m a very well adjusted man woman." I said laughing not realizing what I was doing.

 I made her watch faster pussycat kill kill kill. I was shocked she’d never seen it being such a movie nerd. But she seemed to get a kick out of it.
We didn’t quite make it to the end when she said she had to go. She said when she got home her boyfriend was asleep. He didn’t even seem to care.
Things were bright for us. She started agreeing to calling him her “room mate” instead of her boyfriend. But then she’d go back. I expected as much.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I assured her I was willing to do everything I could to make it an easy transition for her.

 I came over to her house and hung out with her while she worked. She showed me her library. It was small but interesting. The one that she went on
about the most was a book pon the misinterpretations of Frouad. I’d remembered a conversation we’d had over the internet a while back where she was going
on about that. I layed down behind her on the green sofa she had in her office and read a little while she did her work. We listened in the calls as they
came in. Mostly choosing to listen to one woman in particular named Deborah. She was a riot to listen to. A black woman from texas, who obviously didn’t have
many friends. She called the suicide prevention center daily. She knew all the operators by their first names. The suicide prevention center were her friends.
Apparently she’d learned a new word recently and that word was ‘psychopath’. eve3ry other word was ‘psychopath this and psychopath that. Some man had apparently
"lifted his leg" at her while standing on her porch. and she couldn’t understand why she would have chemistry with a man like that. A man of low character.
A Psycopath as she reffered to him. She liked bad boys. And she wanted the suicide prevention center to explain to her why that was. I rubbed stephs shoulders
while she worked. She let out such a gasp of relief. I felt great to be able to provide her some comfort. She seemed so lonely and lost in Claifornia. Just
her and this loser that refused to go out and do anything and this torturous job where all day long she listened to people talk about how meaninglesstheir lives
were. I worried about her. I hated her boyfriend for not worrying more. For being such a careless loser. Not appreciateing how dangerous her job was. Not
appreciating that she would obviously need a lot of goodness in her life to combat all of this sadness. I contended that this guy was no match for me and
went back to laying on the couch. I read some of the fraoud book she was talking about. I loved it. It spelled out that fraoud had thought about psychology
in the same way that I always had.The years and years of therapy that I’d been subjected to suddenly came rushing through my mind. where therapists and shrinks
would all talk to me like my brain was something that wasn’t connected to my life. Like it was just a muscle to be trained.                   

So, I’m leaving the internet for good.

it’s been real.

the evolution of my musical theory

I started playing music to get laid. That’s just me being honest. I didn’t start playing music to be somebody or because I was sad and lonely and needed an outlet for my frustrations in life. That came later. No, when I first picked up a guitar it was because in theory it would get you laid. I was pretty good on a skateboard but that impressed chics about as much as tricks on the swing set. 

 guitars though,… When you’re in a band everyone gathers around. Like you’re someone important. And then the chics in the audience see you in a position of power and Wham. You don’t even have to try.

So I became a “musician”. My parents were always listening to music. Reliving their glory days on my ears. Playing led zepplin 2 like it were gospel music. Listening to sly and the family stone as though they were profits. Telling and re-telling stories of when they saw them live “They were throwing Balls of hash out into the audience and Sly was so out of it they just propped him up against an amplifier and his sister sang the whole show. It was Great!” what they were doing when the album came out.

 So naturally I rebelled. A cousin of mine visiting from out of state left behind a copy of “Poison - look what the cat dragged in.” and I listened to it with much enthusiasm. Then I went with what was next most readily available. “Kiss Alive”. then from there I met Alice Cooper. one of the neighbor kids loaned me a whole suitcase full of cassette tapes to listen to. I listened to them all over and over in my room. The bootleg of a live Alice Cooper show from the billion dollar babies tour sticks out as my favorite in the pile. “DAh Da Da daDAH”

And so I’d thrash around in my room. with this piece of shit guitar I got for christmas. thinking I was cool. One day my older sister knocked on my door and when I opened it she was there po-going in the hall way laughing. I slammed the door in her face and went back to celebrating my niche.

As soon as puberty hit and I’d had sex at least twice I stopped caring so much about playing music just to get laid and I got interested in seeing what I could actually do with it. I went to a skate park with some friends. there were some stairs that had four different levels. Sort of standing like a level of expertise. most my friends were ollieing of the tallest one so I went with the pack and kicked my board in the air launching myself off. but when I landed my right foot came down a little too much in the center of the board and the board went flying out from under me. I put my arms back to brace my fall. My right side caught the worst of it as did my right wrist. I ended up having to go to the hospital where they found a hairline fracture. They put on a cast and sent me home. I couldn’t play guitar for a month. It was at this point I became a “serious musician”. I started playing guitar again before the cast was even off.

 The one thing that skateing did get me was punk rock. I’d listened to enough hair bands to see that they were all the same. And I’d lucked into a great summer job selling merch where in I got to meet C. C. Deville and even watch them perform from behind the amplifier. But in meeting him I gained nothing but disappointment. Mtv had painted these bozos as the greatest party animals that ever lived but when I hung out with them back stage it was about as exciting as any neighborhood barbeque. just people standing around. having fun. But nothing extraordinary.

 My first few punk bands were the typical lot. I listened to Dead Kennedys once or twice. Thinking to myself “if this is punk rock then punk rock sucks.” I listened to it more than once though just because I knew it had some kind of culutural significance. Even if I didn’t get it musically. Then I found Minor Threat and was like “Aww this is fucking awesome” blistering guitar riffs. drums heavy as fuck. but then the singer starts going on about “We dont fuck! We dont take drugs!” and I was like “what the fuck? well that’s lame…” so then I just went through the whole catologue. I knew I was playing catch up though the entire time. All these records were almost ten years old at that point. And then that’s when Nirvana Bleach came through my radio one late night on the ol college radio station. The UFO show. ten oclock every tuesday I think it was. Negative creep came on and it was just what I wanted to hear. The fast ugly angry guitar of minor threat minus the pretension.

From there I hit the ground running and claimed my seating in the magical mystery tour that would be the early 90s.

I’m Always Chasing Rainbows - Alice Cooper

"I’m Outside!" Unruly Retards live @ Merchants Saloon july 6th 2012

Unruly retards debut

Unruly Retards playing our 1st show tonight @ merchants saloon

come early. pretty sure we go on first. we have a flyer sitting around here somewhere. might re-post it later.

USA